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| In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki | |||
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 10/17/87 - 10/22/03 about losing miss cookie home archives contact us
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Tuesday, November 18, 2003 It is currently 2:30 in the morning...and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my dog and how much I miss her. Sometimes I think it's silly how much I miss my dog and wonder why I'm as sad as I am still. I don't know. I just know that I miss her so much. Honestly, words cannot describe what kind of a dog Cookie was and what she meant to me. She was more than just a dog who provided companionship, but she was my stability. As long as I had her around, I could get through anything. And I did. I got through family problems, job stresses, broken relationships, broken friendships, financial strain, life stress...and we celebrated all the good things that happened in my life as well. I can't imagine having gone through any of that without her. She let me cry on her when I needed to and let me hug her when I needed one. I don't think I went more than a few days in the last 4 years without a hug from Cookie or vice versa. I am the kind of person who needs to do things on her own. My mother thinks maybe I am independent to a fault. With Cookie though, I wasn't doing anything on my own. As long as I had her around, there was always someone to listen to me or to depend on. I know it sounds dumb, but my dog was always there for me. And I obviously grew to depend on that. I was worried that if I depended too much on her, what would happen if one day she wasn't there for me anymore. What would I do then? Of course I didn't want to think about that. I couldn't imagine my life without my dog who meant the world to me. In one way, I was afraid to love her too much out of fear that she would one day have to leave me. There wasn't a way to not love her more and more each day though. I was always so afraid though of her leaving me. When Papo, then Mamo died, I was beside myself. How could this happen? I grew to hate (but accept) that the people you love and need in life will die and then you're left to try and pick up the pieces. Maybe I'm selfish, I don't deny that, but what if you need these people. Then what? How do you depend on them when they are gone? Is there a crime to love and need people? Then you learn that all of it is so temporary - how much of your heart do you put into it when it is inevitable that it all must end? Of course you can't think about this fact otherwise who will make the effort to love anyone or anything if they know it is only temporary? I'm not ready to give up with Cookie. I can't let her go, I don't know how to let her go. I still need her way too much in my life to accept that there is nothing else and all I have left to survive on are memories. I don't want to hurt anymore - I want to have things back the way they were before she got sick. And if I can't have that, then I don't care anymore...I'd rather hurt than move on and forget Cookie. posted by lisa | linkorama | |
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