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| In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki | |||
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 10/17/87 - 10/22/03 about losing miss cookie home archives contact us
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003 It's hard to believe that Cookie has been gone for a month now. I don't even know what to write after that. Four weeks...and now I don't have a dog anymore. All I want is just one more chance to hold her again and tell her that I loved her. I keep thinking that I shouldn't say that because I essentially got that when she "came back" after the first time I thought she died. I got another day and a half with her. I only wish she could have spent that time here, at home with me instead of at the vet where she spent most of that day. I went to visit her the day after she first "died" a few times that day. In the morning she seemed fine and a bit more energetic. I stayed for about an hour and then went home and got something to eat before I returned. With the 2nd visit of the day, the staff allowed me to visit with Cookie in a room instead of in the "hospital" area where I usually visited. I was able to pet her, hold her on my lap and talk to her. I promised her she would be ok. I told her how much I loved her and that I was going to make sure she would be fine. We were waiting for her vet to come in and give me an update on her condition. Luckily, she was busy that day, so I ended up spending about 2-2-1/2 hours with Cookie as we waited. I considered that a gift...even then. I didn't know what was going to happen to her, but I knew that I had to let her know everything I felt just in case I would never see her again. I remember telling Cookie that if she was tired and really sick, that she could go. I cried knowing that I obviously didn't want her to go anywhere, but that if she was barely holding on and only sticking around for me, that if it meant her suffering...she didn't have to. The vet and I chatted that afternoon and when she asked what I was going to do about Cookie's condition, I said that since Dr. V was so reputable, that whatever she suggested I do would be it. I trusted this woman from the few phone conversations we had and the trust my co-worker gave her for the care she gave to her dog. The last thing I wanted, was for Dr. V to tell me about putting Cookie down, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I knew what was going to tell me. The next day, I picked up Cookie to go to Dr. V's office. I remember telling my parents the night before that I trusted Dr. V wholeheartedly. My mom told me Cookie would be ok...my dad agreed. I wasn't so sure. I wanted to believe she would be ok and that Dr. V would give her a cure-all. "Just remember, Cookie is 16..." I would tell myself while trying to remain positive. We arrived a bit early for Cookie's appointment. Dr. V's staff was awesome and we waited in the exam room for Dr. V. As I was walking around the room holding Cookie, I noticed an article about her on the wall. Before I read the article, I noticed the photo caption in which I saw the word euthenasia. I regretted seeing those words. I knew it was a sign. When Dr. V entered the room and we started talking, I continued petting Cookie hoping she knew I loved her. I was hoping the whole time Dr. V wouldn't mention the "E" word. Luckily for me, she didn't. She did ask if I was prepared to leave Cookie there though. For a moment, I didn't know what she meant, hoping she didn't mean what I thought she meant. "LEAVE HER HERE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I thought. "OF COURSE I'M NOT READY TO LEAVE HER HERE!" my head told me. Tears started to fall, and my heart started to break. Am I killing my dog? I wondered. I couldn't think about that. I would never leave my dog - I hated to board her at the vet's office when I went on vacation, how could I leave her forever? I was given a lot of time to say good-bye to Cookie that afternoon. I was thankful that I even got that opportunity. Most people don't get to say good-bye the way they want to and I did. How lucky. I wanted to hold onto Cookie and freeze that moment forever. I never wanted to let her go, I didn't want to be that person who would cry and be sad because I wasn't ready to loose her. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't want to. My heart would just crumble without her. It has, you know. Everytime I think of Cookie, my heart fills with love, but everytime I think about her being gone, it breaks again. Cookie lived with me for four years of just the two of us. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had her my entire life. In the time we had together, I loved her more than the world, more than my whole life...I told her that all the time. posted by lisa | linkorama | |
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