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| In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki | |||
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 10/17/87 - 10/22/03 about losing miss cookie home archives contact us
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Saturday, November 01, 2003 I've been sitting here for awhile trying to figure out exactly what I'm feeling. Cookie is gone and though I constantly miss her, I am slowly beginning to get used to not seeing her when I get home or not hearing her walking through my apartment. I don't like the silence, I don't like that I know she doesn't live here anymore. My life is moving on as I know it should, but it's weird for me knowing that it's going on without Cookie around. When people come over, they see the sheet on the ground that Cookie used to lounge on near the window. I have yet to move it as that is where Cookie hung out on the last night she spent in our apartment. I left the crumbs from her dog treats on it and the red sttretchy first aid tape that held her bandage from the IV on her right paw. Her eating area still has a full bowl of food and water that I filled that evening as well. Knowing that it is still there is what gives me comfort and I wonder if I could ever move any of this stuff. For the last five or so years, making sure she had a comfortable living space was as important to me as making sure I did as well. In my mind, I know Cookie isn't ever coming back, but part of me still thinks that she is at the vet or that I've let her keep my parents company at their house for awhile. But part of me thinks that she is coming home soon. I don't know if I can ever truly accept that she is really gone. You would think that having her ashes in a solid oak box above my mantle would be a clue. But in as much as that makes me feel like she is with me in my home, I know she isn't coming back. I dunno, I need to feel her presence around me somehow. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I know she's gone, but I want her back. I need to feel that she is still alive somehow because otherwise, I don't know how I will be able to be ok. People think I'm brave and holding up well considering I lost my dog. But I'm not really ok. The only person or thing who could ever get me through something this traumatic is Cookie, but she's gone. What am I supposed to do now? Keep acting ok and keeping busy so I won't be so sad. This afternoon, I started watching a movie. I was lying on my couch waiting for Cookie to come over to me so we could watch the movie together. We used to watch a lot of movies and TV together all snuggled up on the couch (especially during my unemployed days). It was sad and weird to be doing that this afternoon without her. I pulled her bone shaped pillow out of my room and watched the movie with that...it made me feel like Cookie was there with me. posted by lisa | linkorama | |
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