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| In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki | |||
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 10/17/87 - 10/22/03 about losing miss cookie home archives contact us
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Sunday, December 28, 2003 I keep thinking about Cookie and what a wonderful dog I had. What I keep wondering though is if I was good enough an owner/mother/person to her. Cookie had an undeniably unique personality which sometimes made it a challenge to play with or spend time with her. There were times when I wondered if Cookie had a fickle reaction to people because she was forced, early in her life (before she lived with my family), to spend so much time alone and that it was her way of protecting herself. Cookie was like this when she came to live with my family by the age of eight. Of course, I then wonder if I'm thinking too much and that her intelligence wasn't quite so complicated. She was very perceptive and smart though and I'd really hate to underestimate her mind. Due to my work and my need to go out a lot, I wasn't at home very often. When I lived alone, I managed to be home once or twice a week at the very least. Even though I was home, Cookie still liked her space. She'd like to be in the same room with me but didn't love to sit on the couch with me all time (it was usually on her terms). A few years later when I tried the roommate route again, I was rarely home after work. Cookie spent more time alone than I would have liked to leave her. That apartment was pretty depressing (both my old roommate and I agreed) which is why I didn't love to be there that often. After we moved into our current place though, I tried to be home all the time with her. In typical Cookie fashion though, she only spent time with you as long as she wanted to be there. If you wanted to hug or pet her and she wasn't in the mood, she'd free herself and saunter into the other room. In the end though, I knew something was wrong, though maybe I chose not to see it until the last week. Cookie was sick, she had been suffering through various maladies in the last few months, most notably her eye infection which almost cost her her left eye. This infection was a corneal problem that forced me to administer eye drops every hour on the hour for about a week or so. The perscription tapered off until we were down to every 4 hours for an eye drop. Many people praised me for being such a good owner, others empathized with my fatigue, but I didn't think of what I was doing as anything that needed praise or even a thought. Knowing I was doing something to help Cookie was a given -- I would have not slept for a week if it meant curing her. One night/early morning around 3 AM, as I was walking down the stairs half-asleep while trying to retrieve her eye drops from the fridge, I completely fell, tumbling down about 7 or so steps. Because I was doing it for Cookie, I couldn't get mad. Anyone who knows me, knows typically I would have had a fit. Just prior to the last week of Cookie's life though, she slept a lot. Normally, Cookie would walk from room to room while I was home and after baths, she would get a burst of energy. This time though, that wasn't so. I would leave for work and she would lie near the window and when I came home that evening, she was in the same place looking like she hadn't moved the entire day. Should I have stayed with her? Did I really know she was getting sick? Was I bad for not wanting to see the truth before my eyes? I struggle with this all the time, wondering if I failed her or if I could have been better to her. posted by lisa | linkorama | |
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