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| In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki | |||
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 10/17/87 - 10/22/03 about losing miss cookie home archives contact us
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Saturday, February 21, 2004 Now, as I have been trying to settle into my life without Cookie, the true pain of losing her begins to set in. I have gone through the last four months missing my dog, hoping somehow to find a way to be ok, to accept the loss and move on. I have felt sadness, grief and lonliness through this journey. However, only until recently have I begun to feel real pain and emptiness in association with her loss. I have felt low and confused before, but I have always found a way through it. Those feelings have been brief and few and far between. Recently though, I just can't stop thinking about Cookie, and feeling empty which reminds me just how much I am missing without her in my life. Everyday, I function. I do what I have to do to get through the day. When my work day is over, I constantly try to find something to do just so I don't have to go home and be reminded that she is gone. I've never had problems being alone, often times I treasured it. Now, I absolutely despise it. At night, when I come home alone, I feel completely freaked out and can't wait to go to sleep so I don't have to be here in my apartment. It's not as if my life is so horrible I can't live without Cookie, that's not it at all. What I can't do though is to live here, in this space without her. I hate being reminded, everyday of every moment I am in the apartment that she is gone. When I go out, I can have fun, and be happy and can even talk about what a great dog I had. But when I have to come home, I just can't deal with it. I can't stand feeling like a part of my heart is gone. Am I ready to get another dog? If I am doing it as a form of distraction, then yes, I am willing to do that. Would that be fair to the dog? Of course not. Because it wouldn't be there with me for the sake of me loving the dog. Instead this "dog" would be there to keep me from thinking about what I am missing. And I just can't do that to any animal. I didn't feel this bad when Cookie first died. I don't understand why I feel this bad now. **sigh** posted by lisa | linkorama | |
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