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In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki


10/17/87 - 10/22/03

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Saturday, October 02, 2004  

In one way, it's horrible that I keep trying to suppress my feelings and emotions about Cookie as the 1 year mark approaches. On the other hand...I feel like if I do acknowledge these budding emotions, that I will relapse into such sadness again. I miss Cookie more now than I did when she passed because now it is harder to remember what she felt and smelled like or how just being around her cheered me up when I was low. Cookie was just a pet, not a person (per se) but to me, she was like my child. I loved her more than just about anything I have ever loved.

Cookie was about 12 years old when it was decided that my parents would let her live with me full time. I was never with her for more than 3 months at a time (because I was in college and only came home during the summmers) so I was never really that attched to her. But when she first came to live with me, I remember consciously trying not to become so attached out of fear that I would loose her one day. I knew that I would fiercely love her, but I was afraid of that. Afraid because it is always so hard for me when someone I love passes away -- it absolutely ruins and devestates me. For a bit, I tried to keep a little bit of distance from her, but then I asked myself why. Why would I deny myself the experience? Why push her away? Why miss out on something that could enhance my life? More importantly why was I so afraid and why should I live in fear.

So, I made the decision to live and love Cookie and feel honored to have her in my life. But everyday from that point on, I feared losing her...I feared that I wouldn't be home and she would die without me...and that I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I feared that EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. Cookie became to me my lifesaver from the world, my life...everything. I depended on her more than I think a person should depend on a pet. She was so ideal because though she loved my companionship, she didn't need that much attention. She'd come to you when she wanted to and leave when she'd had enough. It was hilarious, but perfect because I had such a busy life (working mostly).

It's funny...that the death of a pet can devestate you more than you could ever imagine. I wonder if I should deal with these feelings, but somehow, I'm afraid to. I just think about Cookie everyday and am ever so thankful she graced my life because honestly, I think without her...I wouldn't be who I am today.

posted by lisa | linkorama | |
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