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In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki


10/17/87 - 10/22/03

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Wednesday, October 20, 2004  

Sometimes, if I think hard enough, I can hear the deafening pierce of her cry. I rarely allow myself to remember because it is too painful, but today, last year is when Cookie’s frightening cry signaled the beginning of the end.

I still so clearly remember those final hours she spent at home. She never got the chance to say goodbye nor did I get the chance to have one last good moment with her there. I remember impatiently waiting to pick her up that night from the VCA of West L.A. I finally picked her up at the last minute possible (around 9:30-9:45 p.m.) because the hospital told me she needed to get the most of the IV (she was put in there because she wasn’t eating and losing weight). The doctors brought her out, wrapped in a towel and I held her so close and remember feeling so happy to bring her back home. I was looking forward to October 22 – the day of her appointment with Dr. V – as I hoped Dr. V would give me instructions to switch her diet and all would be well. I hoped.

As Cookie and I drove home, I was bursting with relief and happiness to have her back with me. I promised to give her a bath later that night and couldn’t wait to spend some much needed quality time with my best friend.

I brought her home excited and hopeful. I laid down a sheet and she went to lie down on it. I hoped she would want to eat, so I prepared a variety for her to choose from -- some of her loved canned dog food…the hospital said she was eating some on her own there. She didn’t want any of that, so I gave her some of the home-made dog food Dr. V had prescribed to one of my co-worker’s dogs that I freshly made for Cookie. She didn’t like that either. In fact, it kind of made her cough and wasn’t so tasty. So I went with my last ditch effort of carrot baby food. She liked that…licked it all up and I laughed because her whole mouth area was orange and she looked awfully cute.

After her dinner, I wanted to curl up on the sofa with her, but she didn’t want to do that, so while I was lying down on the sofa, she hung out where she ate her food (on the sheet). I checked some email at my desk and she lay on my lap then decided lying down would be better, so she did that while I talked to her, still sitting at my desk. Finally, around 11 or so, I went to run her bath water.

I took off that horrible Elizabethan collar she had to wear because of her eye infection and we started in on the bath. I had been bathing her with Johnson & Johnson’s baby shampoo – lavender scent – something the doctor suggested and something I wish I had done before (because it smelled far better than the doggie stuff she had). I started in on the bath and suddenly, she started to snort and then she screamed a painful and agonizing sound. Then…she went limp in my arms.

I remember as she started snorting that she couldn’t die and was afraid she was having a heart attack. My heart started to race and my fears were getting the best of me. I only remember screaming as loud as I possibly could hoping it would somehow either wake her up or that maybe God would hear me and help. Cookie wasn’t moving…and I kept screaming…louder and louder…I felt my heart breaking and as silly as it sounds, I felt a certain part of my life ending. I set her down on the ground, on the towel waiting to dry her from her bath she never fully finished and kept screaming for Cookie to be ok.

My neighbors from upstairs came down to make sure I was ok – they thought I was being raped. I called my parents and Mark and my friends…not really knowing what I was doing, only afraid that my absolute worst fear was coming true right before my eyes. This, on a day I feared most – the day Mamo had passed away only 7 years before.

While my parents were on their way, I tried to get a hold of Mark again, hoping he could come over and keep me company. He slept through the ringing of the phone. So Heidi came over and sat with me… a broken hearted, inconsolably sad me…and I kept telling her how I feared Cookie dying on the same day as Mamo and how I couldn’t believe what was happening. All the while, the events of the evening playing over and over in my head.

I told Heidi I just couldn’t believe Cookie was gone yet…it just wasn’t right…and I had to see her one last time. So I opened the hall door that I had closed so I wouldn’t have to see her limp body lying there in the bathroom and noticed…that…she…wasn’t…there…any…more? What? I started to jump up and down and happily screamed to Heidi that Cookie was alive. In fact, my yelling for joy actually woke her up. That was some gift…that my dog wasn’t gone after all!

When my parents finally got to my place, I thanked Heidi profusely for coming over and helping me…and told her to go home and sleep since she had to work the next day. We prepared to take Cookie to the emergency vet, and when I picked her up, she screamed again. I screamed and made my dad take care of her. The scream was the most excruciating sound I’ve ever heard out of a living being…and I heard it twice.

So my parents & I rushed Cookie to the 24-hour emergency vet…and had to explain everything. The story was now humorous to me because in my mind, she “died” once already…and…she has gone through so much before and never gave up. So…maybe this time…hopefully, things would be the same. How wrong I was.

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