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| In Memory of Miss Cookie Miyuki | |||
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 10/17/87 - 10/22/03 about losing miss cookie home archives contact us
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004 Lately, I've been avoiding the blog. Why? I'm not sure...the mourning process is progressing (for lack of a better explaination). Some days, I'm great...others, I can't find a way to make myself miss Cookie any less. I've been avoiding doing certain things becuse that means (to me at least) that I'm "leaving" Cookie and I'm just not ready for that yet. God, I wish I could have her back. My birthday is coming up soon...I can't imagine spending it without her. Last year, I was happier because she was here...this year...it's far different and much more difficult. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Sunday, March 28, 2004 Today, I got a reminder to renew Cookie's dog license. While I got terribly sad, I also got angry when I had to check the box that said "pet is deceased." Deceased...I was reluctant to do admit that for some reason. It again reminded me how alone I feel without Cookie. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Thursday, March 25, 2004 I was looking for something in a drawer in the kitchen tonight and found a spare bone I had purchased for Cookie. Seeing it made me feel so sad and I felt "down" the rest of the night. I went to sleep feeling very alone and missing her even more. It's still very hard to accept that she's been gone five months now. It's not fair. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Monday, March 22, 2004 Sometimes I wonder if Cookie defined my happiness. It's rather silly actually, but then...I think maybe not. I have friends and family, but really nobody can be what you want when you want them to be at all times. But a pet really does not err, not as humans do. Not only do they give unconditional love, but they never disappoint. Maybe I counted on that so deeply because I've felt that level of disappointment from everyone in my life (at some point or another, which is completely natural, not to say that I expected perfection, life happens, I know that). I did always count on Cookie to be there for me whenever I needed her. As I mentioned several times before in this blog, she never once disappointed me. By not being there everyday for her due to work or life...was I disapointing her? She slept on the floor near the patio door in her last week...was it because she liked the sunlight or was it more? At my parents' house, she slept near the window becuase she watched us leave each time we went to lunch or ran errands, just waiting for us to return. Was Cookie waiting for my return at my apartment? Was she waiting to be with me, knowing that she didn't have much time left? Maybe I give her too much credit. While she probably didn't intellectualize those feelings, maybe she felt them intuitively. I'm old enough to know that Cookie's death was just a part of life, but still, I don't know how to deal with the loss. She was the one being that I counted on, maybe for my happiness. Maybe because I knew I could count on her to take away any pain or sadness. Just by the sight of her, things were made right in my life. Without her, I almost feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life. I feel guilty saying that losing Cookie was more painful than losing Mamo or Papo, but in a way it's true. A friend told me that it could be becuase a pet is there in your life everyday while a grandparent isn't. Though you love your grandparents or family members, it is the pet who gives constant unconditional love every moment of everyday they are in your life. When that is gone, the void is greater than you might expect becuase of what they meant in your life. Today, I just realized is the 5 month anniversary of her passing. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Sunday, March 21, 2004 I guess I'm at a loss. There is a lot I'd like to say, but I'm just not in the mood to write much of anything. **sigh** posted by lisa | linkorama | | Wednesday, March 17, 2004 Lately, I haven't been able to contribute to Cookie's blog. Of cousre it doesn't mean I think less of Cookie or even care less. I still think about her all the time no matter how tired or busy I am. That's the thing, I can never NOT think about her, even if I try (which I've done before cos I was so sad). **sigh** posted by lisa | linkorama | | Thursday, March 11, 2004 The only regret I have about my life with Cookie was that I didn't let her sleep on my bed the last few days before she first went to the hospital. I hope she didn't think I was tired of her or gave up on her and her health. It's just that with her eye infection, I wasn't able to give her a bath and she was really stinky. I just miss her so much still. Every night, when I close my eyes I remember what it felt like to hold her. As much comfort as that gives me, it also makes me feel so horrible because I know I'll never get that back again...ever. I know I'm lucky because I got the chance I was so afraid I'd never get -- to say good-bye. But really, I wasn't ready to let her go. I was truly convinced that I would get more time with her...months if not years more. She had just turned 16 when she died, which really is 64 in human years...but I believed (or wanted to) that she would live the max any dog would her size would live to -- 20 (or 80 in human years). 64 isn't very old, it's not even senior citizen age yet...Cookie had her golden years ahead of her. She was cheated and so was I. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Wednesday, March 10, 2004 I was thinking about one of my favorite Sondheim songs, "Not A Day Goes By" and though it is a "love song," whenever I sing it, I get choked up thinking about my dog... :( "Not a day goes by, Not a single day But you're somewhere a part of my life And it looks like you'll stay. As the days go by, I keep thinking, "When does it end? Where 's the day I'll have started forgetting?" But I just go on Thinking and sweating And cursing and crying And turning and reaching And waking and dying And no, Not a day goes by, Not a blessed day But you're still somewhere part of my life And you won't go away. And I have to say If you do, I'll die. Dying day after day After day after day After day after day After day Till the days go by Till the days go by." posted by lisa | linkorama | | Sunday, March 07, 2004 Everytime I think about Cookie, especially today, I am reminded of the good times I've shared with her -- especially in this apartment. Moving here, I thought was a new beginning for me...for us. Of course I never really imagined my life without my beloved dog. I figured new apartment, new independence, new memories... Everyday for the first two weeks after we moved in, I would stand at any doorway and admire my new place. Smiling, I was overjoyed but unaware that my happiness would be very short-lived. Today was a beautiful warm day. I ran errands then came home, opened the windows and relaxed. The small of the warm air mixed with the blooming flowers outside and my potpourri and candles inside, reminded me of all the warm, lazy Sundays I used to spend with Cookie and I was immediately sad. I was reminded of the emptiness and missing was the one person/thing that made me happiest. Often times, I think maybe those few of you who read this may think I am too dramatic or wonder why I can't just suck it up and move on. The thing is, you can imagine how deep such a loss will affect your life, but not until you experience it, do you know. As I've said before, Cookie helped get me through some of the most painful and emotional times of my adult life. I am only grateful that she was there for me. When she died, I not only lost a pet, but truly a friend and most treasured companion. I don't quite know how to explain it, but because she got me through the aforementioned "issues," it made me wonder how I could get through any future pain and heartache now that she is gone. It is almost five months now since she has been gone. My heart doesn't ache any less than it did before. Perhaps it hurts even more. In my apartment, I still have out her food bowl, nightlight, bed and playthings. I make my bed, still remembering to get out a sheet for her that I placed over my duvet where she used to sleep. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Saturday, March 06, 2004 Right before I first moved into my current place, I remember asking Cookie to please live long enough to move with me into my new apartment. I wasn't aware she was sick much less pass away so soon. It was always hard to tell with her because she was typically a very mellow dog who was very low key and slept most of the time. Little did I know that she would pass away exactly 1 month after we moved into our new place. She gave me 1 month here to build memories of just the two of us before she passed away. It's hard for me to accept still...and I miss her more than anyone knows. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Thursday, March 04, 2004 I couldn't stop thinking about Cookie yesterday. At work, I forced myself to focus in on the projects I was dealing with even though I was feeling pretty empty and depressed. After work, I tried going to the mall to run a few errands, but hated being there, so I went home. I was on the verge of tears just thinking of Cookie last night. The last thing I wanted to do at home was talk to anyone or deal with anything. As much as I hated being at home (because it reminded me of Cookie), it was also the only place I wanted to be. I tried to remember the days when Cookie was alive, hoping it would bring me some sort of comfort, but it only made me more sad. Really, there are no words anymore to describe what Cookie's absence has done to my life. What I needed to say, I said. All I do know is that there is a pit in my stomach, and a piece of my heart that will always be missing because she is not with me. When she was alive, I knew how much she meant to me, I knew I was lucky, but I also knew that one day she would be gone and that was something I could never fully wrap my head around. I figured when that "time" came, Cookie would have had a long standing obvious illness that would prepare me for what was to come. Though Cookie had that eye infection for months, I never thought that would signal the end. In a way though, it was a sign, just not the one I was expecting. posted by lisa | linkorama | | Monday, March 01, 2004 Am I completely kidding myself thinking I am ready for another dog? I admit I feel like having a dog will help fill the void left when Cookie passed, and I think I am ready and open to the idea of another dog. But if/when it does finally get here, will I be a wreck? I'm not sure. I just know that there is something missing in my life since Cookie left. Though no animal can replace Cookie, I do know that I will never feel right if I never have another animal/dog to share my life with. posted by lisa | linkorama | | |
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